I don’t know what I am

I’ve taken a break from blogging.  I have another blog too that I’ve also totally abandoned now.  That one is less anonymous… This one I don’t even know if anyone will read anymore.

I started this as my infertility blog.  I’m thinking that this may be a lost cause.  I hate to say I’m giving up, but, well, I think I am. 

Who is still reading?  No one?  Okay…

My body is fucked.  My life too, kinda.  I need a new goal.  The mom thing obviously is not going to happen.  I am just treading water right now, trying to figure things out.

I don’t know what it is I am meant to do.  I am not meant to be a mother, apparently.  I just don’t know!  I’m so fucking… I don’t even know what I am!  I’ve been depressed lately and I don’t know what to do with myself.  I also feel completely alone and have not been able to even talk to anyone about anything.  I have friends… a few… but I’m so fucking secretive that I don’t tell anyone anything.  I’m such a liar.  I don’t want anyone to know anything and so no one knows anything.  Perfect!  Or not.  I don’t know.

I feel like I’m not even supposed to have feelings.  I’m not important enough to have a life of my own, to make decisions of my own, to care about things of my own.  I live for other people and that is what I am supposed to do. I’m just supposed to be the background, the cheerleader, the support system. 

I have written several posts on this blog over the past few weeks and I published them and then deleted them all within a couple of days.  I will probably delete this one too.

random ramblings

Does Target have like a daily quota of pregnant women?  Like, if there aren’t enough in the store, do they go out and recruit some?  Granted, I was in the toy section, and then in the baby section, looking for gifts for my little nephews.  But even J noticed it.  When we left the store, he asked me, “Was it just me, or were there like nine pregnant women in there?”  I told him “I thought it was just me!” 

J got his LSAT score.  He scored a 155, which was less than he was hoping for, but better than he had feared, and right around what I expected.  He now is in the process of narrowing down which schools he’s going to apply to.  He’s all worried that he’s not going to get in anywhere, of course.  I’m sure he’ll get in somewhere, but I really have no idea still where we’re going to end up, although I’m glad that he is looking at some schools closer to “home”.  My family all lives in northeast PA and we are currently living in Kentucky.  I don’t want to live too close to my family either though!

Our one-year wedding anniversary is Nov. 1st, so of course we already exchanged gifts.  Neither of us can ever keep a gift for long!  I don’t mind.  He got me an art thing I wanted, and I got him cologne he wanted, and also got him a fun, naughty gift that is still in the mail, so we will have that to look forward to.

That’s about all that I’ve been up to, other than working.  My job is crazy busy lately so that at least keeps my mind occupied, and I’m very tired when I get home.  J’s work is still slow and he is going to go to a temp agency this week to try to find a supplemental job for the winter. 

I’m off now to catch up on everyone else’s blog.  I don’t really know if anyone reads mine regularly but I do read other people’s enough to feel like I know them and want to keep up with them.  Other people’s lives are always so much more interesting than my own.

private

I recently made this blog private after accidentally posting a comment on another blog while logged in as Birdless.  I have another blog that is less anonymous, and didn’t want those readers to find this one.  Anyway, I think I averted it, but anyway I’m going to unblock this one again so that I can still use it.

My husband comes home today after his week away for school.  It’s been a lonely and somewhat boring week, so I’m very glad he is coming home!  I did order more ovulation tests so I guess that means I haven’t completely given up yet.  Next week will be Baby Dancing Week again!  At least that is something to look forward to.  *wink, wink; nudge, nudge*

I guess I’ll go catch up on the blogs I’ve missed this past week or so.  Do any of you reading this also have two blogs so that you can keep one private and one less-private?  (I guess maybe I mean so that you can keep one “secret”, although saying it that way makes me feel guilty!)

cd2

My period came a day early yesterday.  Today I’m sad and crampy.  My husband left today for a week, so I have the house to myself.  I guess it was good timing for him to be gone anyway.

One of my friends I met in one of the TTC forums whom I like a lot, who is now also a friend on facebook, got her BFP a couple days ago.  I’m really happy for her.  She and I have been in this together for a long time, and she really deserves it.  Still, it’s weird feeling like I’m the only one who is always left behind.  It’s never going to happen for me, I keep thinking more and more.  I know we are doing everything right, so there just has to be a medical problem, and there is just not going to be any way for me to afford any more tests or treatments. 

I may have to delete this blog since there is really no use anymore in trying.  I need to start realistically accepting the fact that I will probably not be a mom.  It really changes my whole view of the future though.  That was the one thing I’ve been constantly looking forward to, and now there is nothing that I want.  I know people say that motherhood should not define a person, but usually it is mothers who say that!  Or men!  I would be happy to “do more” with my life other than motherhood, as long as I could have motherhood too.  Right now, sorry, but it is NOT okay with me that I’m destined to be childless.

Sorry for the pathetic rant.  I’m just not sure what to think or feel right now.

fool me once…

I had a dream that I got 2 lines on  test.  In my dream I then realized that I was dreaming!  So I woke up and went and took a test and got 2 lines!  Then I woke up again, this time for real.  I took a real test and got a BFN.  Even my dreams are making a fool out of me.

wtf? video

Where do I find this guy??

You’re Pregant!

nothing much

My mom and her boyfriend were here to visit last week.  It was nice having them here, and it gave me something to look forward to and get my mind off of things.  I thought maybe I’d get a chance to talk with her about the baby thing, but there wasn’t any time where it was just the two of  us.  I took that to mean that I wasn’t meant to tell her.

I’m trying to find something new to look forward to, but I feel again as if I’m in that post-excitement depression.  Our next visit with family will be at Christmas, and holidays tend to carry stress with them too.  I feel like I’m just waiting for something again but I’m not sure what it is now. 

It seems as if the past couple of months have been full of successful pregnancies for other bloggers and people I’ve met on TTC sites, and I really am happy for them.  I’m still disappointed for me, but I like seeing others’ progress at the same time.  Living vicariously, I suppose!  I have spent the past couple of hours now reading funny pregnancy stories and watching baby kicking videos on youtube.  I don’t know why.  I’m not sad or anything, just curious.  Well, maybe a little sad. 

Like I said, nothing much…  Just checking in, for my own sake.  I don’t like seeing my own blog so neglected!

cd1

Back at the beginning again.  Sigh…

I am supposed to call my OB-GYN sometime this month because I was supposed to schedule another pap in six months from the last one, back when I had to go back in for a colposcopy.  That came back okay, but I’m supposed to go back every six months for a while, for a follow-up pap.  She is the one who referred me to the RE, so I can tell her what happened, or what didn’t.  I wish she could just look inside and tell me what is wrong! 

Blah.  I’m feeling like crap, physically and mentally.

resentment

My brother just posted a blog about how he feels unable to “connect” with his new baby girl.  He has two sons and they are “finally” past the toddler stage (the oldest just started kindergarten), and he was all ready to be done expanding his family.  The new baby was not expected, and unfortunately not appreciated, at least not by both parents. 

It hurts me to read his words about how he feels resentment that he is 36 and having to go through it all again, as if his life is set back once again from where he wanted to be.  He wants to be rid of the responsibilities of parenting young children, and now he says they’ve gone and “set back the clock” and he said he’ll be forty by the time it starts to get easier again.

I think he also just didn’t want a daughter.  He loves having boys, and he never intended to have a girl.  He emailed me today and wrote:  I guess it’s just something different, but it drives me nutz how everyone (mostly women) say, “Oh, how wonderful” or “You finally get a girl!” As if having a boy is such an awful thing.

I guess he doesn’t realize that if it were reversed, people would be saying the same thing about how wonderful it was to finally have a boy.  He gets really defensive and takes things personally.  He’s kind of hard to talk to because of that.  Fortunately I was not one of the ones who said how lucky he was to be having a girl.  I’ve learned to be very careful with what I say and how I word things with him.

I guess it also makes me angry that he is not appreciating what he has, and how lucky he is to have it!  It’s so hard for me to hold back and not say anything about anything.  I want to beg him to give the baby to me if he doesn’t want her!  Of course, I also can’t blame him for feeling the way he feels.  I just want him to feel differently. 

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just had to say something and I couldn’t say it on my other blog, which is not anonymous.

my first RE appointment

Well, that was a huge waste of time and money.  Two hundred bucks and a day off work to go and chat with him for five minutes before deciding that I can’t afford to do anything else.  From what I’d told him, he recommended that my next step be an HSG, which would cost me roughly $1,200.  He said I should call him as soon as I get my period to schedule it for a week later.  Yeah, no.  No way in any near future am I going to be able to afford it.

Of course he also said it’s better to get this stuff done as soon as possible because I’m 31, and once I reach that terrible number 35, I’ll wish I had started sooner because the likelihood of conception would greatly be reduced.

Thanks for telling me something I don’t know, genius.  I could have told him everything he told me.  I kind of did, actually.  He just agreed with me. 

I’m feeling pretty disheartened right now. 

I got into my car and had a good cry, then spent the drive home asking the Universe to please just either give me a baby or make me stop wanting one so badly.  I feel like my real next step is to talk myself out of the idea of motherhood.